Chapter Four - A Series of Unfortunate Cows
(California cast)
In this latest chapter we spoof both the Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket series as well as incorporate quite a few different dairy breeds and cheeses.
Available in paperback: Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders (4 Scripts) and Color My Cow (a coloring book of 30 bovines).
Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Announcer
Curd
Rennet
Toma
Extract
Alum
Sonoma
Sage
ANNOUNCER
So now, without further ado, Santa Rita Elementary and Egan Junior High will perform Men In Milk, Chapter Four, A Series of Unfortunate Cows.
SFX: car approaching and coming to a stop
SFX: car door closing
SFX: footsteps
SFX: buzzing a main door to open
SFX: door opening and closing
SFX: footsteps going up stairs
SFX: knocking on a door
SFX: door being unlocked and creaking open
CURD
Quick! We haven’t any time to waste!
RENNET
What’s happening?
CURD
The Atsma-Cameron Dairy has reported some suspicious activity.
RENNET
What activity?
CURD
Well, it seems the three blind mice in their barn have taken up instruments and formed a jazz trio.
RENNET
So what’s wrong with that? It sounds like a good way to pass the time when you’re a blind rodent living in a barn.
CURD
Yes, but the only song they’ve learned to play is Mood Indigo and now all the milk is turning blue.
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
This is a job for the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders.
SFX: transition music
RENNET
Wow! This is some fancy herringbone milking parlor they have here at this dairy. And take a look at the cows! I’ve never seen cows that looked like this before.
CURD
That’s because you’re used to seeing the most common dairy breeds in America, which in this story means ‘the Ayrshire, Brown Swiss, Guernsey, Holstein, Jersey and Milking Shorthorn.’
RENNET
Okay. So what kind of cows are these?
CURD
Piedmontese.
RENNET
And what kind of cows are those?
CURD
Italian. They have a very rich milk that’s used for specialty cheeses like gorgonzola.
RENNET
They look so buff though. I mean they have huge, well-defined necks and shoulder muscles.
CURD
Yes, well they’re also used for beef which is marketed as a premium product, a phrase which means ’you pay big bucks for very thin slices on a small salad plate.’
TOMA
Excuse me, but are you both here about the milk?
RENNET
Yes, we are.
RENNET & CURD
Where’s the milk?
TOMA
Follow me, it’s right over here next to the bulk tank.
CURD
Which here means ‘a giant refrigerated stainless steel cylinder used to store milk before the milk truck comes and gets it.’
TOMA
Wait! It’s gone!
RENNET
The bulk tank?
TOMA
No, silly, the blue milk. I had it right here in a milk pail. Where’d the blue milk go?
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Now that was interesting. We search all over the dairy, finally find the blue milk, only to be told by the owner that it’s being produced on purpose for some new specialty cheese.
CURD
And it’s blue color has nothing to do with the three blind mice and their lack of repertoire, a word which here means ‘they need to learn more than one song to make it as a dance band.’
RENNET
We should get going.
TOMA
Wait! Don’t go!
RENNET
Now what?
CURD
Why? What’s happening?
TOMA
Well, the first one was Tomme Brulee. She’s a French Béarnais, from the mountains.
RENNET & CURD
Oh?
TOMA
She had a beef with congress over dairy subsidies. She was on her way to Washington when we heard that the latest copy of the Congressional Record hit her on the head and we haven’t heard from her since.
RENNET
Well, that’s unfortunate.
TOMA
And then there’s Maribo, our Danish Red. She was going to Denmark to see some family and then on to Paris for a fashion show. They say she got kidnapped by the Gucci Gucci Goons. Last we heard she’d been made into a series of handbags and is now on a shelf at Bon Marché.
CURD
Which in this story means ‘she’s literally beside herself.’
RENNET
Wow! That’s really unfortunate.
TOMA
There’s more!
RENNET & CURD
No!
TOMA
Yes! My best cow, Sage Derby (she’s a little Dexter from Ireland), left yesterday from Hollywood. She said she has a part in some movie. Which is strange because she can’t act worth beans, a phrase which means ‘not very well.’
RENNET
This is suspicious.
CURD
Yes, very suspicious. Have they all been using the same travel agent?
TOMA
Why yes. Sonoma Jack and his Pepper Planes have been flying them everywhere.
RENNET
You said they were lured, a verb which means ‘to attract by temptation.’
TOMA
Yes! It was Sonoma Jack who suggested each trip. Tomme Brulee believed she could make congress understand logic –
CURD
That’s an unfortunate belief.
TOMA
— Maribo was interested in Danish fashions —
RENNET
Possibly an unfortunate sight.
TOMA
— and Sage Derby fancied herself a great thespian.
CURD
A phrase which in this story means ‘a cow wanting everyone to pay attention to her every moo.’
RENNET
Even more unfortunate for the audience.
CURD
We must go to Hollywood and find Sage Derby!
SFX: MIM transition music
EXTRACT
Tickets. Tickets. Please hand me your tickets.
ALUM
Step forward everyone. The movie lot tour is about to begin. Please take your seats on the transporter.
EXTRACT
Take your seats. Do not leave them behind.
RENNET
What did the ticket-taker just say?
CURD
Something about behind our seats.
RENNET
No, I mean the word ’transporter.’ Who on earth would call this bus a transporter?
CURD
Unless they’re from —
RENNET
— another planet! Those two are Moomen from the Planet Moo!
CURD
You’re right! After them!
EXTRACT & ALUM
Run for it!
SFX: transition music
ALUM
That was very close. How did they know us Moomen were here?
EXTRACT
Perhaps our plan to blend in with the moo-vie business has been compromised, a word which here means ‘been on the news and watched by everyone.’
ALUM
We must find Sonoma Jack, the cleverest agent from the Planet Moo.
EXTRACT
Yes, we must find him.
ALUM
He’ll know what together we should next do.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Moomen together, for the Planet Moo.
SFX: MIM transition music
SONOMA
So, my little Dexter cow, are you ready to be in the movies?
SAGE
Yes, oh yes. This is so exciting. Ever since I read the first Harry Provolone book, I’ve seen myself starring as Hermione Gruyere. When the first movie came out —
SONOMA
The Sorcerer’s Sap Sago.
SAGE
Yes, that one. I was so impressed, but I thought I could do a better job than the actress they chose for the part. And then they made The Chamber of Stilton —
SONOMA
— followed by The Prisoner of Asiago.
SAGE
Yes, yes and now The Fondue Pot of Fire is out and they’ve still kept her in that part even though I know I could do better.
SONOMA
Well, now’s your chance. I hear she’s fallen ill. Lost her voice while doing a radio reading of The Velveeta Rabbit.
SAGE
I know. I know. I’m so excited. If you hadn’t come out to the dairy to tell me that the part was now open for the next in the Harry Provolone series, a phrase which here means ‘the fifth book you could squash a pumpkin with’ —
SONOMA
You mean The Order of the Parmigiano, of course. Yes, it’ll be a great movie with you now in the part. Now if you’ll just sign here —
SAGE
And knowing that this contract guarantees that I’ll also be in Harry Provolone and The Half-Baked Brie makes all this traveling worth it!
SONOMA
Yes, now if you’ll just sign here.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Why are we out here?
CURD
Dairy Defender Headquarters has located a ship from the Planet Moo. It’s on top of Mesa Queso Blanco.
RENNET
That’s the perfect landing spot for a spaceship. Why didn’t we see it before?
CURD
Because we’re in Hollywood and there usually aren’t any mesas in Hollywood to see.
RENNET
Except on this old set from the last of the Cheese Wars movies: Revenge of the Stinking Bishop.
CURD
Yeah, that was okay but Return of the Jarlsberg was my favorite.
RENNET
Mine too.
SFX: MIM transition music
EXTRACT
They will never suspect us of using this old moo-vie set for landing our ship.
ALUM
Yes, and soon we will have collected enough fancy cows to fill our new creamery, a phrase which here means ‘tricked into coming to the Planet Moo and work like slaves for udderly nothing.’
EXTRACT
Sonoma Jack has arrived.
ALUM
He looks happy.
SONOMA
Fellow Moomen! How good to see you. The cows are ready. They’ve hoofed it onto the ship already.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Moo hoo! We have succeeded!
RENNET
Not so fast!
CURD
Yeah, not so fast!
RENNET & CURD
We heard every word!
SONOMA
Well, that isn’t very surprising since the acoustics around this place are very hot, which here means ‘louder than a Las Vegas casino in full swing.’
RENNET
Listen, you can’t take these cows to the Planet Moo.
SONOMA
Oh yes we can! See? Here are the contracts with all the proper hoof prints in place. Each one has agreed to come with us.
CURD
So the other two unfortunate cows are not as unfortunate as everyone thinks back on the Atsma-Cameron Dairy?
SONOMA
Oh no. Tomme Brulee, that French Béarnais cow, wants to have her own satellite talk radio show on the political movements. Maribo, the Danish Red cow, wants to design cow wear for those who really appreciate it, which here means ‘the Moomen on the Planet Moo’ —
EXTRACT
It is very hard to get attractive udderwear on Moo.
ALUM
Very.
SONOMA
– and Sage Derby, that cute little Dexter from Ireland, wants to act in our moo-vies.
RENNET
Let me see those contracts.
SFX: paper rustling
CURD
Look! Look at the fine print!
RENNET
“... and they will work all weekday lunches and double shifts every weekend for tips only.”
CURD
Hey! These are waiter contracts for working in the Moo Diner.
RENNET
And everyone knows that Moomen don’t tip.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Run for it!
SFX: running feet
SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: spaceship taking off
CURD
Well, that was close. Good thing we got those cows off that Moo ship and then voided those contracts, a phrase which here means ‘ripped them to shreds and threatened the Moomen with time in the Dairy Defender Detention Center.’
RENNET
Yes, there’s nothing like the prospect of cleaning out manure pits while in manacles to make the Moomen see the error of their ways, a phrase which here means ‘go home and stop trying to steal our fancy foreign cows.’
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
Another disaster averted by the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
So who is going to replace the actress who plays Hermione Gruyere in the Harry Provolone series?
CURD
I don’t know. I just hope they don’t get a Quark.
RENNET
What’s a Quark?
CURD
A cow with no personality.
SFX: MIM theme music ending
©2005-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®