Chapter Three - The Dairy Queen
Well, someone has to run the planet Moo and send the Moomen to Earth on relevant Milk Missions. It only makes sense that it’s a Dairy Queen.
Available in paperback: Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders (4 Scripts) and Color My Cow (a coloring book of 30 bovines).
Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Announcer
Rennet
Manager
Extract & Alum
Curd
Alum
Dairy Queen
Page
ANNOUNCER
Men In Milk, Chapter Three, The Dairy Queen
RENNET
How long have they been standing in front of the dairy section?
MANAGER
About two hours, I’d say. One of my employees, Philip, from produce, was the first to notice them while he was stacking the zucchinis. After a while they started swaying and sort of mumbling.
EXTRACT & ALUM
It is hypnotizing. It is hypnotizing. It is hypnotizing.
MANAGER
That’s when we got nervous and called you people.
CURD
It’s a good thing you did. They might be Moomen, from Planet Moo.
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
This is a job for the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!
SFX: MIM transition music
CURD
What do you think we should do?
RENNET
Ask them a simple question and see if they stammer. Excuse me, but could you point out the half-n-half to me?
EXTRACT & ALUM
Uh, er, uh —
CURD
Stay where you are! We have you surrounded!
RENNET
We don’t have them surrounded. There’s only two of us.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Run for it!
RENNET & CURD
After them!
MANAGER
Watch out for the wet spot in front of the —
RENNET & CURD
Whoooa!
SFX: crash to the floor with bottles hitting the ground
MANAGER
— eggs. I knew I shouldn’t have put that display there.
RENNET
Ow! That hurt and they got away.
CURD
Well, they wouldn’t have if you weren’t so literal.
RENNET
But it’s just so outrageous when you exaggerate like that. We have you surrounded — I mean really —
MANAGER
Uh, excuse me.
RENNET & CURD
What?
MANAGER
Can we get back to the problem of the swaying Moomen?
RENNET & CURD
Right!
RENNET
We’ll get back to you on that.
CURD
Yeah, it seems we have a little problem with ‘fleeing’ at the moment.
SFX: MIM transition music
CURD
Well, our other agents have confirmed that they are definitely Moomen. Any further activity?
RENNET
Eleven stores have reported the Moomen staring and swaying in front of their dairy sections.
CURD
Are all of them supermarkets?
RENNET
Of course! When’s the last time you saw a dairy section in a clothing store?
CURD
Hey, they have coffee shops in bookstores now. Who knows what the next brilliant idea for selling messy food with stainable merchandise will be.
RENNET
Good point.
CURD
So what have the Moomen done besides the swaying?
RENNET
Nothing, as far as anyone can tell.
CURD
You mean they just sort of become hypnotized until someone chases them away?
RENNET
So far.
CURD
This is highly suspicious. They must be up to something.
SFX: MIM transition music
ALUM
It has been too long.
EXTRACT
We must keep trying.
ALUM
But it has been too long. We will be punished for not finding the right one.
EXTRACT
The Dairy Queen needs us. We must keep trying.
ALUM
Yes, yes, our Queen needs us. You are right.
EXTRACT & ALUM
For the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo! Our search continues!
SFX: Planet Moo transition music
DAIRY QUEEN
Where are they? Where are they? It has been forever and still they have not returned.
PAGE
But, your majesty, it has been terribly hard for them to find the right one. They tell us there are many, many different varieties. The one you so desperately need has yet to be found.
DAIRY QUEEN
They must find it! Time is running out and it is the only thing that will save me.
SFX: Planet Moo transition music
ALUM
There are so many.
EXTRACT
Seven ounce, fifteen ounce, real light, thirty-three percent more free, sweetened —
ALUM
All purpose, instant, fat free, non-dairy —
EXTRACT
Non-dairy. How can that be?
ALUM
We will never find it.
EXTRACT
We are doomed.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Moo-hoo-hoo, Moo-hoo-hoo.
SFX: MIM transition music
CURD
Now what?
RENNET
They found them on the floor of a quick market, weeping by the ice cream section.
CURD
Where are they now?
RENNET
Upstairs, slapping their heads with their hoovehands. They’re mooing so high you’d think there was a helium duct underneath them.
CURD
They need help. C’mon, let’s see what we can do.
RENNET
Jeez, I never thought that we’d try to help the Moomen with anything other than getting back to the Planet Moo.
SFX: high-pitched mooing
CURD
Okay, okay already, enough with the noise! Tell us what’s the matter.
RENNET
Yeah, talk now or we’ll ship you back to Planet Moo on the next flight out.
EXTRACT & ALUM
No!
CURD
Then spit it out!
RENNET
What is the matter?
EXTRACT
We have no choice. We must trust them.
ALUM
Yes, you are right.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Help us! Help our Queen, the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo!
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET & CURD
Goodbye!
SFX: space ship taking off
CURD
No wonder they were going crazy trying to find that stuff. They don’t sell it in supermarkets. You have to special order it from the catalog of that gourmet dairy outfit in Wisconsin.
RENNET
I think we should alert the satellite companies that their transmissions are causing the weirdest problems.
CURD
Why?
RENNET
Don’t you think it’s a bit strange that the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo has become hooked on watching cooking shows beamed in from Earth?
CURD
I think you’re being a little too judgmental.
RENNET
Excuse me?
CURD
She obviously wants to expand her horizons.
RENNET
What? Hey, wait a minute — you watch those cooking shows too, don’t you.
CURD
Uh — so what if I do?
RENNET
I don’t know. I just didn’t think anyone other than the people on public television actually did that sort of thing.
CURD
You mean you never cook?
RENNET
No.
SFX: Planet Moo transition music
DAIRY QUEEN
It is too late. All the high officials are here. I am ruined!
PAGE
Wait, Your Majesty. I hear a knock from the hidden door known to only your most trusted servants.
SFX: knocking sound
SFX: door opens
ALUM
It is us. We have returned.
EXTRACT
Are we in time?
DAIRY QUEEN
Have you brought forth to me the fabled foaming froth of the faraway planet?
EXTRACT & ALUM
We have, Your Majesty!
DAIRY QUEEN
Oh, thank Hathor! My dinner party will be the hit of the season! No one on Planet Moo has ever tasted a whipped topping such as this. You have done well, my servants.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Thank you, Your Majesty.
SFX: MIM transition music
CURD
What’s that you’re holding?
RENNET
It’s a message from the Moomen, thanking us for our help. The Queen has rewarded them with as many milk baths as they want. They want to know if we’d like to have some of them sent here.
CURD
Yikes, I don’t think so. Tell them thanks, but no thanks.
RENNET
You know, if they take baths in milk, what do you think they would do with...?
CURD
Would do with what?
RENNET
Do with any extra of that gourmet whipped cream in a can that we sent them home with.
CURD
I thought you said you didn’t cook?
RENNET
I don’t.
SFX: MIM theme
RENNET & CURD
Another disaster averted by the Men In Milk – Dairy Defenders!
RENNET
I was just asking.
SFX: MIM end theme
©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®