Chapter Two - Night of the Living Cheese
Books and music are becoming cheesy. A famous television series is also echoed in this chapter. What you hear matches what you read – a great way to learn how to read.
Available in paperback: Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders (4 Scripts) and Color My Cow (a coloring book of 30 bovines).
Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Announcer
Rennet
Curd
Alum
Manager
Bel Paese
Ricotta
Extract
ANNOUNCER
Men In Milk, Chapter Two, Night of the Living Cheese
SFX: phone rings
RENNET
Hello? Yes, we can come over. What seems to be the problem? Okay. Right. We’re on our way.
SFX: phone is hung up
CURD
What’s up?
RENNET
It’s the new bookstore downtown. They say some of their titles are changing and things are getting a bit cheesy?
CURD
Cheesy?
RENNET
Yeah, cheesy.
CURD
As in cheap?
RENNET
You got me. But just hearing them use that word makes me cringe.
SFX: MIM theme song
RENNET & CURD
This is a job for the Men In Milk – Dairy Defenders.
CURD
Quick! Pull over. That space is open.
RENNET
Okay.
SFX: car screech
CURD
Did you see the license plate of the car that just pulled away?
RENNET
No, silly. I was busy driving.
CURD
It said: Eat Cheese or Die.
RENNET
Really?
CURD
Yeah.
RENNET
Wow. Sounds like someone who’s serious about their fromage.
CURD
C’mon. Let’s get into the store and find out what’s going on.
SFX: door opens
SFX: ambient music in the background
ALUM
Good evening, may I help you in any way?
RENNET
Yeah, we got a call that something funny was going on. Are you the manager?
ALUM
No, the manager is right over here.
MANAGER
Oh thank goodness you’ve arrived. Come, just come and look at what’s happening.
CURD
Look at these books!
RENNET
Cyrano de Camembert?
CURD
A Tale of Two Cheeses?
RENNET
Gone With The Cheese.
CURD
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Cheese.
RENNET
Swiss Cheese Family Robinson.
CURD
Moby Cheese.
RENNET
The Old Man and the Cheese.
CURD
The Three Muskacheesers.
MANAGER
Yes, titles everywhere seem to be mutating into some cheese form. And come, come over here! In the video section. Look! Look!
RENNET
Cheesy Hollow.
CURD
Cheese Wars.
RENNET
Scream Cheese.
CURD
Children of the Cheese.
RENNET
Dr. Stringcheese.
CURD
Cheesezilla.
RENNET
The Goudafather, Parts One, Two and Three.
CURD
Titancheese.
RENNET
American Cheese Beauty.
MANAGER
You see? You see? And at the registers the sign now reads that we accept Mastercheese, Visa and Feta Express.
CURD
What is going on?
RENNET
I don’t know, but it all sounds like a pattern to me. And I can only think of one person to ask.
CURD
You mean?
RENNET
Exactly. Bel Paese. She runs the most influential underground headcheese shop around.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Bel Paese, how nice to see you again. Tell us, have you noticed any increase in your business?
BEL PAESE
Why yes, as a matter of fact I got a big order in this morning for some seeds.
CURD
What kind of seeds?
BEL PAESE
Seeds to plant. Said they wanted to grow some gorgonzolas and would I please get the seeds for them. They wanted them delivered to this address.
RENNET
The Ricotta Inn, 25 Fondue Lane in the town of Port-Salut.
CURD
Hmm, sounds like someone’s trying to change the face of our planet.
RENNET
Yeah, first the cultural and entertainment stuff and now the plants too.
CURD
I think we’d better go over to The Ricotta Inn and see who wants these seeds.
SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: knocking at the door
RICOTTA
Yes?
RENNET
How do you do? We understand that you are planning to grow some gorgonzolas in your garden. Is this true?
RICOTTA
Why yes, it is true. But I haven’t gotten the seeds yet.
CURD
How did you find out about these seeds?
RICOTTA
Why, in this new gardening catalog, Farmaggio With Me. I found it in my mailbox just last week.
RENNET
Can I see that, please?
RICOTTA
Certainly. There are lots of nice products to grow. If the gorgonzolas come up nice, I’m going to plant some fontinas and chevres next.
RENNET
Look here.
CURD
What?
RENNET
The bar code on the back. Ever seen anything like that before?
CURD
No, I don’t think so — wait a minute. Yes I have! It was on their —
RENNET
Hush! Uh, thank you, ma’m. We’ll be running along now.
RICOTTA
You’re welcome.
SFX: MIM transition music
CURD
So, the Moomen have returned.
RENNET
Yes, and apparently they want to make this planet into an exact replica of theirs — Planet Moo.
CURD
What are we going to do?
RENNET
Stop them, of course.
CURD
Well duh. But how are we going to do it?
RENNET
The same way you stop any hostile takeover — you find the source and remove it. We have to get back to the bookstore.
CURD
The bookstore?
SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: ambient music in the background
CURD
Okay, what gives? Why are we back here in the bookstore?
RENNET
Didn’t you notice the two salespeople who were hovering around us when the manager was showing us the cheesy books and videos?
CURD
Yes, what about them?
RENNET
Well, one was named Jack and the other was named Colby. How much do you wanna bet that their last names are Cheddar and Longhorn?
CURD
There they are.
RENNET
Wait up you two!
ALUM
Why? What do you want from us?
RENNET & CURD
Who are you?
EXTRACT
We are salespeople for this store.
ALUM
That’s right. Just your typical average bookstore clerks.
RENNET
If that’s true, then what’s slush?
EXTRACT & ALUM
Uh, er, uh. . .
CURD
What?
RENNET
Slush. It’s when people go to the register with a book and then decide not to buy it.
CURD
Yeah?
RENNET
And then they just leave it at the register.
CURD
Yeah?
RENNET
Well, people who work at bookstore registers call these books slush. And if these two really worked here they’d know that.
CURD
Just as we thought. You’re Moomen.
EXTRACT & ALUM
Run for it!
CURD
They’re headed for the back door!
RENNET
After them!
SFX: door slams
SFX: helicopter sounds
RENNET
Rats! They’re getting away!
CURD
No, they’re not.
RENNET
Yes, they are!
CURD
No, they’re not!
RENNET
Yes. They. Are. They’ve just flown off and we are still here — standing on the ground. I don’t know about you, but from where I come from that’s called ‘getting away’.
CURD
You know, for someone who notices little name tags, you sure are blind to the big stuff.
RENNET
What do you mean?
CURD
That airship was ours.
RENNET
The Dairy Defender Dirigible?
CURD
The one and only.
RENNET
Oh. Oh well.
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
Another disaster averted by the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!
RENNET
Do you think I could get a copy of Gone With The Cheese?
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Okay. Okay. Never mind.
SFX: MIM theme music ending
©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®