Chapter One - Dairy Defenders
Milk is disappearing from all over the world and the Men In Milk have to figure out why and stop it!
Available in paperback: Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders (4 Scripts) and Color My Cow (a coloring book of 30 bovines).
Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Extract
Alum
NYC
Midwest
West
UN
Executive
Rennet
Curd
Mayor
Capisce
Carpaccio
Cows
EXTRACT & ALUM
We, of the Planet Moo, have no more milk. We must have milk or we will perish!
SFX: MIM transition music
NYC
This just in. All milk in New York City has disappeared. The mayor is furious. A full investigation is now under way. From Wall Street: Starbucks stock is falling steadily.
MIDWEST
Reporting here in the Midwest: Elementary schools cannot find any milk. Mothers everywhere are starting to panic. The question everyone is asking: Why bake cookies anymore?
WEST
The entire west coast is milk-less and the cows look confused. A Hooves-Across-America Movement has started.
UN
An emergency meeting at the United Nations has just started and there are no cappuccinos in sight! Italy threatens to withdraw.
EXECUTIVE
Babies are crying! Cereal executives are falling out of windows left and right — right and left! Panic!
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
This is a job for the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!
RENNET
Milk is disappearing from all over the world.
CURD
We must find the mayor.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Tell us, Madam Mayor, what has your investigation uncovered?
MAYOR
Which one?
CURD
Concerning the milk.
RENNET & CURD
Where’s the milk?
MAYOR
Well now, that depends on what your definition of milk is. But let me say this about that now: however you define milk and if whatever you define as milk has in fact disappeared, then I want to say that no one in my administration had anything to do with it, if it happened.
Otherwise, in response to your question, we are making great progress. We have formed a task group which has formed a working group which will be reporting directly to me as mayor. I will then report to you. I can tell you that much now.
RENNET
Uh, um, right. Thank you. You’ve been a great help.
CURD
Yes, we can always count on your office to clarify things and move things along.
MAYOR
You’re welcome.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Now that was useless. Got any more bright ideas?
CURD
How about the East Side Twins? They always have info.
RENNET
Well, speak of the devil —
CAPISCE
How ya doin’?
CARPACCIO
Yeah, how ya doin’? Whatcha want with the East Side Twins?
CAPISCE
Yeah, whatcha want?
RENNET
The milk is gone.
CARPACCIO
So we heard.
CAPISCE
Yeah, so we heard.
RENNET
Well, do you know anything about it?
CARPACCIO
Who us?
CAPISCE
Yeah, who us?
CURD
Is there an echo in here?
CARPACCIO
Listen, we might know somethin’ and we might not.
CAPISCE
Yeah, we might and we might not.
RENNET & CURD
Well?
CARPACCIO
This is about the milk, right?
RENNET
Yeah, the milk.
CARPACCIO
We don’t know nothin’. We’re lactose intolerant.
CAPISCE
So we don’t care, see? See ya around.
CARPACCIO
Yeah, see you around.
RENNET
Another brilliant idea.
CURD
The cows are still here.
RENNET
We’ll go to the cows.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET & CURD
Who has been stealing all your milk?
COWS
Mooo-men.
RENNET & CURD
Whoop-dee-doo, we’re off!
RENNET
By the way —
CURD
— nice hair.
SFX: MIM transition music
RENNET
Stop the car!
SFX: car screech
RENNET
There’s an interplanetary milk conference going on downtown.
CURD
Moomen always attend milk shows.
RENNET
Right. But how will we ever pick them out of the crowd?
RENNET & CURD
Hmmmm.
EXTRACT
They will never suspect us disguised as Italian dairy scientists.
ALUM
Yes, and soon we will have all their milk.
RENNET
Not so fast.
CURD
Yeah, not so fast.
RENNET & CURD
We heard every word. Who are you?
ALUM
Buon giorno, we’re Italians.
EXTRACT
Yes, I mean, sì, buon giorno. We are Italian dairy scientists.
RENNET
If that’s true, then how do you say milk in Italian?
EXTRACT & ALUM
Uh, er, uh....
CURD
Just as we thought, MOOMEN!
RENNET
We did? When did we think that?
CURD
Don’t you remember? In the car?
EXTRACT
Aren’t you a little young to be driving?
ALUM
And short?
RENNET & CURD
SHUT-UP!
EXTRACT
Okay.
RENNET
That’s it! We’re taking you back to Planet Moo.
EXTRACT & ALUM
But we’ll die without milk!
COWS
We’ll go with you.
EXTRACT & ALUM
What are those?
CURD
Cows, you idiots. Where do you think milk comes from?
EXTRACT & ALUM
Supermarkets!
RENNET
Take these cows and go home.
CURD
Yeah, and take a biology teacher with you.
SFX: MIM theme music
RENNET & CURD
Another disaster averted by the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!
RENNET
And I know just the biology teacher they should take.
SFX: MIM theme music ends again
©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®